I've spent a really long time believing that I am a lesser person. I've been told for so long by so many different people in my life, people that I've looked up to, that this is the case. I've sat by and watched as others have grown around me, grown in to the people that they want to be. I've settled for less because I truly believed that I was not worth the time or the effort.
I've been through so much in my life (that I won't get in to right now), and it's left me feeling angry and hollow, and I took it out on my body. All my seconds, minutes, hours, and days of depression are reflecting themselves in each unhealthy pound that I have attached to my body.

It's always been easier to turn to food and binging when I'm upset, bored, not wanting to think. In October of 2007 I finally made a real attempt to turn my life around. I started an exercise regimen, changed what I was putting in my mouth, how much, and I actually sat down and started to teach myself about nutrition. With some good days, and some bad days, I managed to lose 57 lbs.

That didn't last long. I left the situation I was in, and walked right in to a string of situations that were just as unhealthy for me. Because my clothing still fit, I convinced myself that I was maintaining, and for a while I did.

In the last 8 months I've spent time in a home where I was forced to eat. In the field that I was working in, I cooked meals daily for my clients. I would go home to find that dinner, against my protest, had been prepared, and I was forced to eat it. If I didn't, I would quite literally be told, "You will sit down with us, and you will eat." One major issue I had with this was the time. I worked extremely long hours, and in this household, dinner was not eaten until 8:00pm. As the months progressed, the time grew later and later, until in the end I was eating at 10:30 or 11:00pm. This completely destroyed any progress I had made with my metabolism. The situation was so controlling, and it wasn't just with food. I felt as if I was required to spend several hours of my free time (basically all of it) with these people. I was in no position to strike out on my own, so I felt powerless with nowhere to turn.

I've since managed to get out of that situation, and am slowly getting back on my feet.
I've also learned recently that I have gained most of the weight I lost.

I want to lose again.
I have more obstacles in my way this time around. The biggest issue being finance. It was easy before to purchase what foods I needed to lose the weight, but with very little to no income right now before my job starts, I can't really afford to be picky about what I'm putting in my mouth. That coupled with a semi-roommate that enjoys eating the foods that are best for me to eat (milk, eggs, fruit, etc), I'm finding myself a little stressed.

I'm hoping that this will become a place that I can vent about my life, my journey, my weightloss, and my struggles within, without fear of repercussion from those in my life reading it.
I'm also looking for some sort of guidance.

I've hit rock bottom... for the second time.